Vegas Buzz

This week, it's the unholy confluence of immigration protests, the Runaway Bride, Bonomo Turkish Taffy, and talk radio, exclusively in "The Letter." Let's get started:

I think I finally burned out on the immigration topic Monday afternoon when the following facts became clear to me:

1. There's no solution upon which everyone will agree.

2. I'd heard pretty much everything anyone had to say about the topic on either side several months ago.

3. I didn't particularly need to hear another word about it.

4. The Clippers were about to win a playoff series.

And so, I reached the point where I could stand talking about the issue no longer. But I don't have to do a talk show every day. If you do, and you're burnt crispy about a topic you know you HAVE to talk about, my prayers are with you. It's hard enough when you're a listener and every station- not just your AM news-and-politics-talk station but your FM-guy-talk station and even your wacky-morning-show-that-immerses-its-stunt-boy-in-baked-beans station- is talking about nothing but the rallies, as it was on Monday. If you're a talk host, at some point you're gonna want to move on to something else. But how do you know precisely when a hot topic has run its course?

You don't.

I never said I had all the answers, did I?

There are, to be sure, some ways to roughly gauge topic burnout. Phone volume is not one of them. Just because all the lines are flashing doesn't mean that the general audience cares. It's easy to light up all the lines- just open the mic and yell "Abortion!" or "Gun Control!" or "Psychic Readings!" and the phone number. You'll get calls, all right- no ratings, but calls galore. Your callers aren't a representative sample of your listening audience, no matter how many times your PD walks into the studio, stares balefully at the silent phone bank, then glares at you and walks out without a word. You aren't going to get a representative sample unless your station springs for detailed, ongoing, expensive research, which is to say you aren't going to get a representative sample, period.

Here's one way to get an idea of whether to continue with a topic: picture your average target listener and ask yourself what's on his or her mind. What's important to him or her? What's top-of-mind? How is the topic affecting that listener? Why should he or she care? Can you add anything new that the listener hasn't heard before? Forget what everyone else is doing, or what's leading the news; the other hosts and editors are as in-the-dark as you are. Look at it from your audience's perspective.

And if you can't stand to talk about the topic anymore, take heart: this, too, shall pass. Remember what you were talking about one year ago this week? Jennifer Wilbanks. It's been exactly a year since the Runaway Bride story was inescapable. But now most people have to be reminded what her name was. Topics go away when something bigger comes along, or when there's a resolution to the topic like a verdict, or when the public has had enough. Just try to look at topics from your listeners' perspective and trust your instinct, and you'll have a rough idea when to move on.

Move on to what? That's where All Access News-Talk-Sports' Talk Topics show prep column comes in, with lots of stories for you to do when you just can't talk about amnesty or guest workers or border fences anymore. What kind of stories? Why, this week so far, you'll find stories about how Americans can't find anything on a map, are sicker than British people, and lie about their weight (somehow, we manage), the continuing real-life legal troubles of "The Sopranos," why answering the phone can make you sick, why hiring an ex-con with a long theft record to transport valuable artwork might not be such a great idea, how TV news thinks you want to know the true story behind the banker on "Deal or No Deal," the marriage of a 33 year old man to a 104 year old woman, a company solely dedicated to resurrecting "dead brands" like Coleco and Metrecal (but, sadly, not Bonomo Turkish Taffy. Not yet, anyway. That stuff was good, especially the banana flavor. You froze it and slammed it on the counter and it broke into little pieces and... what were we talking about? Oh, right, the topics. Sorry), the government's drastic plans to combat bird flu, a burger with a finger garnish, and a nude dude ranch. And, yes, plenty of story links and comments on immigration and gas prices and all the "real news" you need to know.

While you're here, don't forget to check out "10 Questions With..." syndicated "Real Talk Live" co-host Ian Bernard and the Talent Toolkit with sources for bad jokes and worse jokes, plus the rest of All Access with the industry's fastest, most reliable, best news coverage, columns, music information, message boards, and an interview with someone calling himself "Gringo Suave." You know what they say about that: if you call yourself "Gringo Suave," you probably aren't.

So, there you have it: useless advice, bad jokes, "Gringo Suave." You can't buy this kind of material at any price. Good thing it's free. Next week: something other than the immigration topic. Maybe I'll be in an angry mood like last week and write another column that ensures I'll never find work in this business again. One can only hope....